small things that make us happy

Today, while I was listening to one of my most favorite songs – EK LAU IS TARAH (from the movie Aamir), I thought of all those people, rather victims of bomb blasts, accidents, etc. who didn’t do anything bad to deserve such a harsh punishment in life. I mean, you are dining in five star hotel, enjoying the meal with the people you like and then suddenly a bomb explodes and your life changes for the worse…. Or you are travelling in the first class bogie, enjoying cool breeze sitting on the window sit and suddenly a bomb planted in some bag kept on the shelf explodes!... all you can say is “what was my fault????...”…

Then I thought of small small things that make us happy …. This is what I could think..:

1) Sleeping in your own home, with all your family members around you… I mean, I have this kind of a feeling every night when I am home. With my mom on the bed next to mine, I feel that “abhi kuch bhi ho to chalega.. meri mummy ke baaju mein hun mai… bas…”…

2) You want to catch the 10.16 CST slow local. You leave the home at 10.00. You get the rickshaw as soon as you reach the main road. All the while, you keep praying to god that train be late. You reach the station at 10.13. you see the train approaching the station. You take the foot-over-bridge and run as fast you can and just as the train reaches the station, you too are on the station. And you jump into the train to get your favorite window seat!

3) Sitting on marine drive with the person you like… you look into her face and keep staring at her for the way she smiles or giggles… you keep blabbering some pakau Jokes so as to keep her smiling… you make up things and say it in such a way that makes her giggle continuously… needless to say, the smile that suffuses your faces is enough to keep you happy for the rest of the week!...

4) You are standing in a long queue for A/C bus. You let 2 A/C busses pass because you want that most favorite seat on the last 4^th row!... I have done that twice because I wanted to sit on my most fav seat!

5) You are travelling in train and are sitting on the window seat.. you are listening to FM Radio. You like some recent song and are praying that the Radio jockey plays you favorite song. You stick on the one FM station to hear that most recent song. You are just about to change the FM station and just then, your favorite song is played!... the kind of happiness that you get is just immeasurable!... only hard core music lovers would understand my point…

6) You talk to your GF/BF during the day. Then at night, before going to sleep, you check your mobile to see if there is any message from her/him. You don’t see any. You are disappointed. But, just as you are about to keep your mobile aside, you see a message “Gn Tc “ from her/him… I am sure that the whole night you will keep smiling!

7) you have some 5000 to 6000 songs on your IPOD (not knowing which all songs are there in your IPOD). One fine day, while you are travelling in KingLong Bus,you hear a song that start liking instantly. You become crazy for that song. You SMS all your friends asking them if they have the song. You spend the whole day waiting for someone to mail you that song. Just before going to sleep you happen to search for that song on your IPOD. You thought that you didn’t have that song. But just as a try, you search. And whooaaaa! You find that song right on your IPOD! Needless to say, you will hear that song atleast 10-20 times before you go to sleep!... this happened to me few days ago…so I can vouch for that fact that such a incident can happen!

8) You regularly get SMSes from a friend of yours whom you like very much. Suddenly he/she stops SMSing you. You get disappointed, but don’t call him/her. Suddenly, one fine morning you wake up to see a ‘Good Morning’ message from him/her. That would surely make you smile. And that day you will realize how much you missed not getting SMS from him/her…. Its never too late to acknowledge the love or liking for someone who is special to you (not necessarily GF/BF)…

9) You wake up in the morning, get ready for office. Mom makes tiffin for you. you are bored of the roj ka bhaaji-chapati. You reach office. Work for some time and go to have lunch. You open your tiffin to find the most favorite dish of yours (Undhyoo in my case). Your friends will easily gauge the happiness suffusing your face… and you SMS you mom for making such a lovely tiffin. Now your mom would be happy!

10) It’s a rainy morning. Heavy rains had lashed the city throughout the night. You look through the window and pray to god to disrupt the railways… you get up and switch on the TV . you hear the reporters say “itni bhaari baarish ke kaaran sabhi trains radd kar di gayi hai… stithi aur 12 ghanto tak sudharneki koi aashankaa nahi hai…”. You smile and your belief in god strengthens!

Autobiography of a Tantrik….

In last 4 hours I had 6 clients visiting me. One had a problem related to stomach. Three were suffering from marital problems and the rest two were having problems with their boss.

I cannot stop laughing when educated people come to me to get their problems solved. Of course I don’t laugh in front of them. but mun hi mun main bahut hasta hun…Whenever I ‘cure’ an educated person of his problems, I get a kind of wicked satisfaction. I mean, I am just a 5th grade student. And when I cure an educated person of his illness using my Mantras, I wonder what is the use of education that doesn’t teach you to be practical. Like, last week, I got this ‘patient’ who had lot of issues with his wife. He doubted his wife having an affair. This is how our conversation went :

Patient : Charansparsh Maharaj.

I just gestured. I didn’t greet him back. See, it’s a normal human psychology that if I don’t greet him back and instead I just gesture that I accepted his greetings, then I would have an upper hand in the meeting. As simple as that. He continued.

Patient: Maharaj, mai bahut chintit hun. Meri Biwi….

I stopped him just when he was about to complete his dialogue. I took his hand in my hand, closed my eyes said “wo tumse bewafaai kar rahi hai. Aur kisi ke saath uska chakkar hai uska”.

Hahahahahhaha.. you should have seen his face!

Patient: Baba aap mahaan ho. Aap kripaya meri samsya ko solve Karen…

Being a sadistic and anti-educated person, I asked him his age and qualification.

Patient: Baba, mai ek MBA hun… meri umra 30 saal.

If you had the ability to peep into my mind, you could easily sense that I was rolling with laughter. i enjoyed every bit of his superstition that an uneducated baba like me would cure his problem!

I continued “Baccha, tumhari naadi dekhke pata chalta hai ki tum bahut acche insaan ho. Tum bahut mehnati ho.” He nodded in agreement. I have developed a knack of understanding people. See, when he said that he is an MBA, that DOES mean that he must have worked hard for exam preparation and then during his MBA education. So, what I said was just based on his words. I didn’t use any extra-terrestrial power to judge that small a thing!..hahahahahah….. finally, I took a locket out of my pocket. I kept that locket is the ash-bowl in front of me. I closed my eyes for 5 minutes. And then gave him that locket dipped in ash.

Patient: Dhanyawaad baba. Muje aap pe poora vishwaas hai. Bas meri duvidha door kar dijiye….”

I didn’t say anything. I just responded by saying “tathastu” and smiled at him so that he would feel that his work will get done. The moment he left, I started laughing like crazy. I mean, what can my locket dipped in some bloody ash do good to him? How on earth do you educated people believe in me? Hehehhe… seriously, I am sure that I am not going to let my child spend waste his precious years in getting a graduate degree. I will teach him all the tricks of fooling people and he will be well off financially.

Every day I get some 20 patients. I charge them somewhere around rs.500 to rs. 2000 – depending upon the problem and the financial status of the ‘patient’. Like, if a rich ‘patient’ comes to get his problems solved, I charge him more. And you know what, the best part is that these rich ‘patients’ are like golden goose for me. I cut them very slowly. Usually, I start with a packet of ash. Then following week, I give them a locket, then a mantra, then something , then something! Hahahahahahhaha… I love these rich ‘patients’. Thank god for giving me such fat-wallet patients!

Today let me share a few things that I do to fool my ‘patients’….

What I do	Why I do that
1) taking the hand of the patient in my hand and acting as if I am try to doing a diagnosis by feeling the vein of the patient	This basically instills a good faith in the patient. He/she feels that what I am doing is absolutely right. He/she feels that I am trying to get to the root of the problem. hehehehhe…
2) Telling the patient to take a look at his watch and then waking me up after 7 minutes 40 seconds.	Sometimes, being precise helps. See, when I tell the patient that I am going to close my eyes to talk to the evil and the god for 7 minutes and 40 seconds, the ‘patient’ first wonders why “7 minutes and 40 seconds?” then I smile at him as if I know everything about his problem. He better shut up and let me do my work. This instills a deep faith of the ‘patient’ on me.
3) putting the hand of the patient in the ash-bowl and then keeping it on the crystal ball	These kinds of weird actions makes the ‘patient’ believe that the money that they are spending is worth.
4) while point number 3 is being done, I tell the patient to chant a mantra	For Instilling more faith on me! hahahahhahaha…
5) Giving a small packet of ash and asking the patient to dip it in a well or a river which is not at polluted.	The patient starts believing that my powers have really to do something with the PURITY of the water!....

Seriously, it’s very easy to fool people. The basic reason being the frustration of the people with the illness which has been tormenting them for days or months! See, suppose you have SOME illness. You try Allopathy, homeopathy, Ayurveda, etc… even if things don’t turn out to be positive, then naturally you will do that the world finds STUPID! And that is coming to a tantrik like me! The willingness to be up and ready is stronger than the normal logic of not trusting a tantrik. Sometimes, Superstition defies science and logic! And that’s when I make money!

If you see the things from my angle, you would realize that what I am doing is not wrong or illegal. People trust me. I give them SOME medicine or ash or something. Most of the times, the patients recover soon because of the faith than what I give. Psychological help or advantage is what I indirectly give my patients. For that they pay rs.500 to rs.2000! fair deal naa?... I heal you (however it maybe) and you pay me! Simple business!

Most of the people of my fraternity are not god-fearing people. At the end of the day, I do and pooja and ask God to forgive me for sins that I did throughout the day. Sins of looting people of hundreds of people. But then, I am going to continue to do this work till the time educated people like you keep coming to me! Hahahahhaa….

Use some common sense, scientific knowledge and logic and you will realize that my tricks don’t work! These “anti-superstition” NGOs are trying to spread so much knowledge. Don’t you listen to them?

Till the day your heart rules your brain to make a decision, I am surely going to enjoy my life…!hahahhahahahaha….

Tathastu!!!

A and D of being fat….

Last month while I was alighting from the rickshaw, I gave the driver a rs. 10 ka note. Abruptly he said “uncle, chutta do naa”. I got angry and asked him if looked like uncle. He apologized and said “sorry dost, raat hai na abhi… to andhere mein samjaa nahi”…I blamed the lack of light on this fiasco.

Last month, I was talking to an old classmate(female) of mine. We were standing near the bus-stop. A small urchin came by and started begging. She looked at me and said “uncle, kuch khaane ko do…ek do rupyaa do…”. I took out the wallet from my pocket and was about to give her a 2 rupee coin. Just then she looked at my friend and said “didi, kuch khane ko”…. This was the height! My friend- my classmate was called “didi” and I was addressed as “uncle”. I got furious and kept the 2 rupee coin back in my wallet.

(The above 2 situations are imaginary. They have been added just to give a context to my article :D)

Advantages of being fat :

1) You never have to sit beside the rickshaw driver. Like, suppose that the back seats have already been occupied and then you(a fat person) approach the rickshaw. The rickshawwala will give you a wild look. You would wonder what evil you have to done to deserve such a dreaded glance. Then he will request one the guys sitting in the back seat to sit beside him and you can easily enjoy the ride to home in a FULL seat!
2) Similarly, when you travel in train, when you sitting on the 3^rd seat, no one tell you “bhaisaab, thoda andar ho jao”; because he knows that even if u move a little bit, the newly created space wouldn’t be sufficient even to keep a quarter of his butt!
3) As children, when you are fat and chubby, you grab a lot of eyeballs. The thin ones keep being jealous of you. The thin ones will complain to their moms about being neglected. Their moms tell them to read point number 3 of the “Disadvantages of being fat” section!
4) You should feel happy that you represent the KHAATAA-PEETAA family! You are symbolic of the wealth that a family possesses. Be happy!
5) You have higher chances of getting a lead role in diaper commercials where sweet chubby-chubby kids are required. Not the bichara-lukdu-sukdu ones!
6) You don’t need to learn karate or any other fight art because ur sheer size would be sufficient to terrorize anyone!
7) As children, you get to go into the hands of lot many beautiful girls than do the lukdu-sukdu ones! Needless to say, beautiful girls would like to play with someone who is chubby-chubby, with cute-cute cheeks, with sweet smile, whom they can keep saying “allle…gulllu….maaru cutu cutu….alle alle….cho chweet…” Needless to say, your moms would be proud of you. Unfortunately, the lukdu-sukdu ones don’t have these pleasures!
8) Being huge or fat, you can easily bully others and try to create a macho-impression on the beautiful girls of your class.

Disadvantages of being fat:

1) Agreed, that you never have to sit beside the rickshaw driver; but suppose amongst the 3 passengers sitting in the back seats, there are 2 beautiful girls and 1 OK types lukdu-sukdu boy. When that bichara thin guy is made to sit on the front and you-the huge beast- are made to sit beside the beautiful girls, then I am sure they might start to think – “kitnaa motaa hai be...acche se baithe they hum log…ayaa gaya…bachpan mein aunty ne bhookha rakhna chaiye tha mote ko… to aaj acchese baithneko hota tha….!” I am sure that their hidden disgruntlement would surface on their faces. Needless to say, you will keep feeling guilty of upsetting beautiful girls (if the girls were shantaa-kantaa types, then it is OK…give a damn!)
2) Agreed that when you travel in train, when you are sitting on the 3^rd seat, no one tell you “bhaisaab, thoda andar ho jao”. But can you imagine the amount of HAAY you must be getting because you are occupying the seats of the 2 ordinary people. You pay the same fare and still you don’t get a place to sit because of your big butt! You would be a lucky to not know Marathi if you are travelling in Mumbai! You would easily hear words like “jaadyaa kuthlaa..baslaay aaraamat…nusti charbi bharli aahe ye maansaat….aaine khup ghatlay shariraat… chyaa aila hyachyaaa…!!”
3) Agreed that as children, when you are fat and chubby, you grab a lot of eyeballs. But the same eyeballs will start avoiding you once you are young. Beautiful girls want handsome, slim and fit guys! Not diaper-heroes or farex-babies!
4) Practically if you see, being KHATAA-PEETAA is a bane these days. I mean, being obese is the last thing you would ask for from God.
5) Diaper commercials form the least part of all the advertisements on TV. Rest of the Ads have smart, fit, thin boys as their stars!
6) Even though you think you can bully others by your sheer size, the lukdu-sukdu ones can surely make u run like hell and take all the energy out of you!
7) The moments spent as a small child are not registered that prominently in the brains. So when you are handsome and fit in your youth, you will many more chances to impress babes than will fat, chubby guys get!
8) Sometimes, girls like well-mannered boys and not bullies who keep showing their power. So in such cases, being a fat kid would surely be of no help!

All in all, the best fit for a human being is to be chubby in childhood and fit and thin in youth and later on!... this is what I feel !!.... :-D